And So It Goes
by I Slay Darkness With Belief
Summary: And I feel I've said too much, My silence is my self-defense.


**Hi! So I'm doing this quickly because I already posted the chapter and forgot this- but I'd like to say thank you to Water Wolf 100 for putting up with me and being a beautiful beta reader :)**

**So yeah, enjoy and please review!**

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><p><em>In every heart there is a room,<br>__A sanctuary safe and strong._

He was the kind of boy who couldn't trust a soul with a piece of paper. She was the girl who could change that in an instant. She changed something in him, and _she__was_ not aware of it. He can't help but fall deeper than he should allow himself to. She has something that he hasn't found in other people, and it makes him want to pick her up and twirl her around.

Because she has a heart. She fails to recognize how important this is to him, because "everyone has a heart, Jerome". But she doesn't get the half of it. Not everyone has a heart. At least not one he could trust his everything with. Not one where he feels safe and loved- even when he's not.

He has that kind of heart too. The kind where she could tell him what he told her, and he understood. The kind where he could comfort her, and he could love her at the same time, even though she would never feel the same.

_To heal the wounds from lovers' past,__  
><em>_Until a new one comes along._

She would come to him often, glowing in tears, tired of boys like _that one_, and how she wanted a boy like him. But that would be crazy, and they both knew it. He had the courage to sit and listen to her say such nonsense. He would have the courage and the heart to tell her that the perfect guy would come, once she finished up with all the lame-wads. And he had the heart to tell her that someone would always love her.

She would come to him sometimes; smiling like she's won the lottery. But worse off, she's gotten back with _that one_, and he knew how it would end, and she knew how it would end, and he had the courage to tell her that he doesn't know if it'll work out. He would have the courage and the heart to tell her that he wants her to be happy. And he had the heart to mean it.

_I spoke to you in cautious tones,__  
><em>_You answered me with no pretense._

He would always tell her, when she was with him alone for once_, _all about how _that one_ wasn't right for her. About how _that one_ said he wanted her happy. And_that one_ didn't make her happy. _That one_ has made her miserable and confused and _that one _has done nothing other than that.

"Mara, you have to listen to me... Please."

"But I don't want to. You're wrong, and he loves me more than anyone _ever has_."

He was going to retaliate, too, but he didn't and she told him everything. "Everyone else in the house hates me except for him! I'm not close with anyone in this house except for him! And you, but I suppose that doesn't count.."

"And why not?"

"Because, you're Jerome. Mick loves me, Amber _used _to love me like a sister, my parents are _supposed_ to love me. They do, of course, but they don't want me the way I am. And you? You wouldn't love me like that. You're my best friend. And we tell each other everything. But there's no reason you would love me more than Mick does."

_And I feel I've said too much,__  
><em>_My silence is my self-defense._

He just turned around and left despite her calls. There wasn't much he could say without feeling like he'd have to scream at someone later.

Because he _does_ love her. He loves her so much and it hurts because she doesn't even believe he _likes her_ more than he likes Patricia or someone else.

He can't talk to her about it like he talks to her about anything else because there's nothing he could say. He couldn't call her a fool and _that one_ a meathead, and drop to his knees and tell her he loves her, because there's nothing more than that. There's nothing he could say to make her know he meant it. And there's nothing he can say for her to feel the same.

_And this is why my eyes are closed,__  
><em>_It's just as well for all I've seen._

He sat on his bed and looked up at the ceiling, because the ceiling never changes all too much. He closed his eyes because the back of his eyelids are always the same. He didn't want to think of anything, but words just gathered in his mind quickly. He thought he should have said something, at least.

Said something about how he loves her. Maybe like a sister, just so she would listen. Because he doesn't have a sister, and he doesn't have a real family, and she's the closest thing he has and she means the _world_ to him. Because it's true, and everyone knows it- that she's the world to him.

Behind his eyelids he saw her face and he saw it devastated, and then he saw it ecstatic an in hysterics and looking curious. He saw every expression she's ever made, and he knows he's just going to have to leave her be. Because she's not a little seven-year-old Mara, she's sixteen and she's strong and beautiful and she makes her own decisions and Jerome's just going to have to deal with it.

He's going to have to let her go and let her be happy and let her do what she wants because, no matter how much he loves her, it's her life and not his.

_And so it goes, and so it goes,__  
><em>_And you're the only one who knows._

She walks in while his eyes are closed and he's looking weird, like he wants to be happy, but he's not, which is something different.

Normally, he's either happy, or angry, or sad or upset, but not all at once. And she wonders if he's okay, or sane, or even there at the moment. She stands at the door and she's just looking at him with his eyes closed.

And he breaks out with a smile, like he knows she's there, or he thought of some prank to pull.

And then he's content. He's not moving, just laying back and listening to some rock song. And she's just standing there like an idiot in the doorway like nobody's watching. She's just standing there and looking him in the eye as if they were open. She's just confused and _happy_.

And she's happy because she's looking at somebody she knows and loves.

_So I would choose to be with you,__  
><em>_As if the choice were mine to make._

He opens his eyes and she ducks in, placing her hand on his and asking if he's okay.

He pulled away. "Never better."

Which is weird, because he didn't look that way.

She stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you sure, Jerome? You look a little green."

Which was just an excuse, because physically he looked fine.

He stood up and started walking. "I'm fine."

Which was just something to say, because emotionally he was a wreck.

"I- I don't believe you."

And his heart dropped and he turned around and he cocked his head to the side. "So now I'm not trustworthy?"

And she had nothing to say. Of course, he _was_ trustworthy. To her, anyway. To her, he was the only one she _could_ trust, sometimes. But she had nothing to say.

"Of course, Mara. I'm not trustworthy. I just spill everything on my brain to anyone and everyone, because _I'm just that kind of person_. And I'm _not fine_ Mara."

And he said something that he didn't mean to say. And it's one of those things that you'd say in your mind a thousand times, and pray to summon up the courage to use that line in conversation- _even though he never could_.

And then he did.

"I'm not fine, because someone I love a lot is going to get screwed over by some stupid meathead who can't do anything but make her cry. And I'm the one who is supposed to watch them break up and get back together and break up and get back together and break up again, and frankly I am _done_ with it. Because it does nothing to make you cry, and it's not worth it. I've been trying to let you go and let you live your life and if you want to leave right now, go, by all means.

"But if it was my choice, I would..." He took a deep breath. "_I_ would choose to be with you. And I wouldn't hurt you and I wouldn't make you cry..." And he realized what he said and looked around. "And whatever. Now you know. Very fun, I'm going now."

And he left the room.

_But you can make decisions too,__  
><em>_And you can have this heart to break._

"Jerome!" She called after him, still processing what he just told her.

"What?" He was already out into the hallway?

"You- you mean that? The whole 'I love you' and 'I wouldn't make you cry' thing? You- you _like_ me, Jerome? You _actually_ like me? And you want to be with me?_Actually_? Not just because Mick likes me?"

He shook his head and started to talk again, "Mick doesn't like you, Mara. Sorry to break it to you."

She was taken aback. "What do you mean? Of course he does! You don't know that!"

He rolled his eyes, standing at the front door with one hand on the brass knob. "I can tell. Mick doesn't like anyone. Mick is too absorbed in his own business."

"But-"

"We already had this conversation, Mara. You don't have to like me. But I'll still be there when Mick decides he's finally done with toying with you." And he walked down the front steps, rolling his eyes because she's _just some girl_, and she's _never going to learn_ and he shouldn't have_ wasted his time._

And he didn't dare turn around, because he knew he would just see a big wooden door with a jackal and a ton of creepy memories. And she didn't dare go after him, because she knew that he was a consistent person, keeping things inside all the time, and she knew he wouldn't turn back.

So she had a decision to make, and so did he. She didn't know how to feel or what to do or where to go, and she didn't know how to _breathe_, because he probably just messed up _everything._

It was ridiculous.

It was stupid.

It was wrong.

It was crazy.

But she ran to the door and threw it open. She raced down the steps and down the path and watched him kick a pebble down the gravel way. Up behind him in a hurry, she threw her arms around him from behind. He whipped around and looked down at her.

"Before you say something, Jerome, I'm confused. I know you're right, and I know you're telling the truth, but I don't know what I need to do. I do know that I love you, Jerome, in one way or another. I'm not exactly positive on what kind of love it is**, ** but I- I feel it. And I guess I can't date Mick for the time being, but I don't think I can date you, either. I mean, this is completely and totally wrong, not to mention crazy and stupid and red-"

And he swooped down and cut her off with a kiss, without any warning, just impulse after watching her make a scrambled speech. "You do that, Mara," He smirked after coming up for air a moment after the kiss. "You don't have to decide." He poked her nose. "Have fun with that."

And he walked off, in whatever direction he was headed, anyway.

_And so it goes, and so it goes,__  
><em>_And you're the only one who knows._


End file.
